From the Dallas Morning News

Trash talk: Tabloid roundup
06:15 PM CDT on Tuesday, August 17, 2004

What made the cover:
• "Stars with cellulite" (The National Enquirer)
• "Kirstie Alley battles deadly disease" (Globe)
• "Martha creates Stepford clone!" ( Weekly World News)

Goofiest headline:
"Study reveals: Scientists still giggle every time they say 'Uranus'" (Weekly World News)

Couple watch:
The National Enquirer reports that Justin Timberlake is "secretly shopping for an engagement ring" for girlfriend Cameron Diaz, while Globe reports that Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal are "back in each other's arms" just weeks after their reported breakup; that actor Olivier Martinez may be "in hot water" with girlfriend Kylie Minogue after flirting with a co-star; and that news reporter Ashleigh Banfield has married real estate financier Howard Gould.

Special section of the week:
The National Enquirer reports on "Celebrity bodyguards: The dishonest, the dangerous and the truly incompetent."

Good news of the week:
"Junk food snacks make you smarter" (Weekly World News)

The skinny on the cellulite watch:
According to The National Enquirer's cover story, dimple-displaying "Hollywood hotties" include: Britney Spears, Tori Spelling, Victoria Beckham, Lara Flynn Boyle, Nicole Richie, Christina Aguilera, Scarlett Johansson, Cameron Diaz and Mariah Carey.

Most "who cares" story:
"10 things you never knew about Heather Locklear" (Globe)

Least likely story:
"Space alien spotted hugging Kerry!" (Weekly World News)

Least shocking story:
"Gender selection kits for baby are a scam!" (The National Enquirer)

Obligatory bizarro story:
"Race of people discovered in septic tanks!" (Weekly World News)

Advice corner:
The National Enquirer explains the "easy way to flush away unwanted fat," while Globe advises you to "play it safe with supplements" and Weekly World News provides expert tips to decide "are you an obnoxious jerk?"